Depression, in my own words.
Sep 17
You can’t explain to someone who hasn’t been there what it’s like to wake up, and the black curtain of storm clouds have suddenly dropped around you. How do you face the people around you, silently mouthing to each other “again?”. How can you explain that the objectively irrational impulses seem subjectively rational? That you understand that you’re not OK, but there’s nothing you can do to change it, while the world goes on making demands as if you still felt “normal”.
Your partner still wants you to be able to be there for her. The kids still want to get hugs from you - and they still need to eat. The boss still wants you to output widgets. The bank still wants you to make payments on the credit cards you used to survive when things went pear-shaped last time. The landlord still wants his rent.
There are two ways things can go from here. Sometimes with a good night’s sleep (or two, or more), and some looking after yourself, things will be OK again, and you’ll pick up your stuff, and keep moving forwards.
Sometimes, things don’t get better. The wiring isn’t just on the fritz, it’s burnt out. If you ask for help, they’ll insist on chemical assistance. They don’t really understand quite why or how the chemicals work, but “they should help”. They might (will) have side effects. The cure might end up being worse than the disease. If that one doesn’t work, they have others. Or a cocktail of medications, each one to deal with the side effects of another. That way lies its own unique madness.
With the meds, they might prescribe talking. Lots of talking, in the vain hope that like the infinite monkeys with their infinite typewriters might turn out some Shakespeare, if you say enough words for long enough, everything might fall into place. Sometimes they’re good at listening, sometimes they’re not. With the right person, it helps.
Some sift your words carefully, picking out the little nuggets of truth that help you understand a little better who you are. Others nod, grunt, and write you another prescription. I’ve known both. And it’s expensive to sit in a little room and talk. When you’re in a situation where you need to sit in a little room and talk, there’s a good chance that you’re not in a position to be able to afford it.
Fortunately, for me, most days now resemble ordinary. I wake up. I stare at the face in the mirror worn with lines I don’t remember collecting, and stubble that feels like it belongs on someone older than me. I go to work, and try to fit into “normal” like a cheap suit that I bought in a hurry and can’t take back.
But occasionally, there are those days. Days where the mask is tissue-paper thin. Surviving the day is an act of will that leaves a lingering exhaustion that seeps into your bones. Like a drowning man in a flash flood, you wrap yourself around the hope that the waters will recede soon, and you’ll be safe and dry again.
At least until the next deluge.
Sep 17 at 15:10
Clear and accurate portrayal of what it’s like. Both my wife and I suffer from depression (my wife severely so, in the past) and you just CANNOT explain to people: why answering the phone is too much effort; having to physically remove yourself from meetings to avoid bursting into tears; looking out a high window and thinking “I guess it would be quick”; and many others besides.
I empathise and am glad that most days resemble ordinary for you. I hope there’s people in whom you can confide.
Sep 18 at 02:42
Thank you…
Sep 18 at 02:43
Beautifully written. Methinks you may need an environment change. That’s what I keep looking to. That’s the hope on the horizon for me: We spend most of our waking lives at work. If you hate your work, you have 2/3 of your day dragging you down by default. If you love you work, you have 2/3 of your day pushing you up by default.
That’s in theory, anyway. Don’t know if it’s going to work yet. But changing careers and your default working environment takes a while…like turning a barge.
Sep 18 at 03:18
An excellent short essay on this illness. I’m a fellow sufferer. You have described the condition perfectly. I have given up trying to make non-suffers understand it as I truly believe in order to understand it you must experience it. My comes from time to time and I just put up with this ‘black cloud’ and play the waiting game knowing that it will pass as soon as it came. I find prescribed medication cause more problems than they solve too.
Sep 18 at 04:12
Thank you for not describing it as the doctors do. Depression isn’t a “wall you must break through” or anything stupid like that, it comes complete with the knowledge of what you are doing and what could be if only you got rid of that constant grey companion.
Sep 18 at 05:01
best description I’ve seen.One feels at a dead end alley with nowhere to go but without being able to back out unless you don’t mind hurting others. you feel you don’t matter anymore.one more day is a battle won
Sep 19 at 02:37
That is an incredible description of a serious affliction that so many people suffer from. But sometimes I think that depression is not just a black cloud, but some days it can be that you don’t ‘feel’ depressed but you wake up with the question
“why do I exist and why am I here?”
feeling completely numb with no motivation to move, breathing only because of instinct, a thing you do without thinking about it. When you lose your sense of purpose, then even life feels like a prison, like a room with no windows, doors or exit just a blank wall to stare at and become lost in wondering why you should even get out of bed because although you know your life and may love what you have, you have become lost in your own existance and the way back to ordianry is lost in the fog of disillusionment and you can only pray that somehow you will find your way.
Sep 21 at 02:17
Beautifully stated from someone who knows. Thank you for sharing.
Sep 21 at 02:31
Yes… trapped there with no will to move… rather you would sit there all day, wondering why should you even be there, wondering why doesn’t the world doesn’t do you that big favor of putting an end to it… It’s futile… everything.moving, waking up, working. What for?
Sep 21 at 02:43
I remember that. I remember all of that. Some days it still comes back to haunt me. I’m just glad that now I have something to live for.
I guess sometimes we have to go completely crazy, drop everything, and start over as much as we can. It’s not easy, but it’s less painful than being trapped.
And sometimes…it just takes a miracle. A small, perfect miracle.
Sep 21 at 03:00
I am one of those to whom you might talk. I only wish some of my clients could express what they are feeling as eloquently as you have here. I can only hope that I “sift words carefully, picking out nuggets of truth.”
I also relate to your comment about looking in the mirror. I sometimes don’t really recognize the reflection looking back at me. Not only the lines and stubble, but also I see someone much older than I am. When did that happen?
Thank you for your personal description of feelings that no one can truly understand without experiencing them for themselves. Your words may help some of us understand a little better, though.
Sep 21 at 03:49
Great description. Meds work off and on but don’t cure it. Difficult for anyone but the sufferer to understand.Blogging does help but I tried it for a year and everyone else in my family hated me doing it. So I quit. Carry on from day to day. Stumbling!
Sep 21 at 04:20
OMG!! that was dead on. I’m so happy to see that I am not the only one. I always feel so inadequate and worthless. So many jobs so many ups and downs. Sick, sick of it. I keep waiting for the day that I’m normal, but I do know it will never come. I’m so alone and scared. Your writing on depression has been the best I have ever read. I’m going to print it out and give to everyone who tell me “just deal with it or let it go” they have no idea. Thank You
Sep 21 at 04:49
Well, there’s always ECT. Try it, it may work wonders. A fellow sufferer.
Sep 21 at 06:47
I enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing.
Sep 21 at 09:31
Thank you so much for writing this. I have lived like this for 40 years. I have been forced to isolate myself more and more. Having other people judge me for my depression just adds to the burden. I have tried everything I know to “get better” including medication, therapy, exercise, diet, change of job, change of location, etc. Nothing has ever worked. I’m glad Kibitzer mentioned how hard it is to answer the phone. So many things that seem simple, aren’t to people who are depressed. I’m literally scared of the phone. I’m scared of people. I don’t know how to feel like other people feel. It’s like my self is being filtered through a brain that is broken, and people expect you to be able to use that broken brain to fix itself. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of suicide. But I’m still here. I don’t know why. I once had a friend visit and stay over. He woke up laughing. I was shocked because I had never even imagined that was possible. Every time I wake up, the first feeling of the day is always dread.
Sep 21 at 10:59
Pfft. All “depression” is, is a recent clever invention for people who don’t feel like facing up to their responsibilities. You wouldn’t have found people in the 12th century saying they were ‘too depressed to work the harvest’ because it was either suck it up or starve.
Go look at some of the people in Africa or Asia, see how they live, then we’ll see if you can say you’re “depressed” with a straight face while you’re sitting on your $1k sofa in front of your $2k TV in your $350k house. Sheesh.
Sep 21 at 11:45
The solution is simple - stop trying to live by other people’s standards and live by your own. It sounds like all the depression stems from trying to be “normal”. “Normal” doesn’t exist. Don’t worry about it, most people are a lot farther from “normal” than you are. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain…
Sep 21 at 11:52
Hey Biff, are you a therapist? You should write a book. It might become a best seller . . . yah, the newest therapy. You could call it Just Straighten Up and Fly Right.
Heh . . . I curse you with a week of deepest darkenss. Just enough to recant your shallow tripe, if you last that long. I wouldn’t wish more on even my worst enemy. Of course, once you’ve had one major episode there will be a 50% greater chance of another . . . often worst than the previous. Half the fun of depression is anticipating the next go round. Good luck.
Sep 21 at 12:30
You have described the condition very well. I also suffer from depression, as well as lupus, sjogrens, a hostile environment and frequent migraines. None of these afflictions are visible to anyone else. The world around me cannot understand when having to make even the smallest descision is too much effort. I interperted my world by illustrating i tusing computer graphics. If you want to take a look, go to http://www.geocities.com/skurvits/index.html
Sep 21 at 12:36
What Biff will never understand, among other things, is that we who suffer from depression are capable of infinitely more self-blame than he can inflict. Piffle I say to Biff.
To the author, thank you. For me, chronic depression has presented a new avenue of hopelessness - loss of memory. Ironically, this has coincided with working my way out of the pit. Paradoxically, it may be my only way out.
Sep 21 at 12:59
I’m with Daphne. I get memory loss and it’s so disheartening. I watch movies and read books and can’t recall a thing at will. A lot of times I’ll come across a reference point and this will jog what I experienced so I know it’s in there somewhere but so frustrating. And yes I forget why I was so depressed the day before sometimes. What amazes me is how I can feel good one day for no reason at all and then I realize this at the time and it hurts knowing it’s going to go away again. Weird brain chemistry and fascinating from an objective standpoint. And I do try to do that, objectify the experience - because when I do this I can find comfort knowing I don’t have to control it and can “ride the waves” and come out on the other so to speak. That helps.
Good luck to you all.
Sep 21 at 13:36
(((((((HugsToYou))))))))
Wow. I feel very blessed. I have experienced deep depression and yes those days–or weeks–still come.
My experience is;
I prayed for help, for someone to rescue me.
When I was 21, a wonderful therapist was put in my path and, well, to get to the point, I now regard that therapist as my hero.
I guess what set her apart from the other 13 therapists/Dr.’s I saw was; she had recovery.
She was in recovery herself, a.k.a. she had faced her own ugly addictions and come out on the other end.
That’s just how much she did for me.
I am on Lamictil, a mood stabilizer. No, it is not a cure-all but in combination with therapy, I’m doing well and able to help other people–very important to me.
But I don’t think I’m something special, that I have something you all don’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My definition of depression is.. when I shame, guilt, nothing short of; taunt myself.. my experience is depression is what inevitably comes after I’ve been engaging in an addiction and it quits working. Depression is when the past keeps rearing it’s ugly head…my realization is the past is looming around for a reason…it’s trying to escape. It’s looking for a voice.. that pain needs to be heard, felt, validated; let out in a healthy, adult way. Those feelings, felt through, to the very end.
There will come a time in your depression when you will have a choice.
..May these words speak to the ears that need it most …
Most sincerely,
Katharine
P.S. Some resources..
Expensive but you are worth it..
“The Meadows” in Arizona. Recovery treatment. The term, “Recovery” pertaining to more than just drugs, and “Addiction” pertaining to a wide variety of behaviors, not just drugs/alcohol.
http://www.themeadows.org/
Terrence Real’s approach to recovery via his books and his recommendations for therapists in your area;
http://realadvice.typepad.com/
Also, some authors, but it’s advisable to have a great therapist or someone who’s had their own recovery to be there for you as you read, as memories of traumatic events are likely to surface..
Pia Mellody’s books “Facing Love Addiction”.. and
“Facing Co Dependence”… and more
John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame that binds You” and any other works
Terrence Real’s “The New Rules of Marriage” and “How Can I get through to You?” and many others..
Sep 21 at 14:21
You have the power to overcome your depression. I know. I was. Now I’m not. You can too. Biff has a point. Maybe there were depressed people in those ages, but it was one impractical and two socially unacceptable. Today it is acceptable at least in the wealthy countries, but I think it tends to be a crutch for people. It really is just a kind of escapism. To stop is simple but not always easy.
Just stop. You might say you can’t and that is what will cause you to fail. The next time you get in that thinking, stop it. You’ll probably start again in a minutes maybe seconds. So when it starts again, just stop. Do this over and over, for as long as it takes. Don’t blame don’t hate don’t get disillusioned just stop. For as long as it takes. Eventually the time in between will increase until it rarely if ever happens. It’s really a form of meditation. Give it a shot what could it hurt.
p.s. Don’t expect to be joyful or blissful all the time. true happiness is a contentment with the condition which remains in the face of adversity.
Sep 21 at 14:36
As the therapist at the residential treatment center where I work says, “Mental illness does not go away. The symptoms can be managed, sometimes lessened, but the disease never goes away.”
Sep 21 at 14:52
Given family history of being hospitalized for crippling depression (in parents & siblings), your description of depression as something that can descend & only last for a few days at a time leaves me wondering if that explains the black moods that take me at times. I was on anti-depressants as a teen but the side effects from just missing a day were so crippling that I gave them up long ago. Even though I consciously know that I’ve got a good life & no reason to feel unhappy, I get really restless & anxious on a semi-regular basis.
Sep 21 at 15:14
Thank you so much for writing this. I have suffered from depression, and I couldn’t explain to anyone the isolation you feel, or the pain, or why just “going to see someone,” taking medication to “fix” the problem, or any of these quick solutions wouldn’t really work. People didn’t understand why I just wanted to be alone, when I felt so disconnected with the world. It felt like there was no more progress in the world, no place to move. It felt harrowing and trapped.
Depression is something for me, where it is a constant that is always there. It fades and wanes, but it can come back again with a very strong presence. It can turn a world I find peace and happiness in, into a world where I feel strange and different, where I can not find my place, and I feel myself existing without being.
Sep 21 at 16:26
I’ve tried explaining to everyone I know what it really feels like…I always feel like they don’t understand and they’re not taking me seriously. It’s probably the truth. Your description put what I have felt for so long into something that I feel anyone could understand it, and sympathize.
On top of that I must say that you are an extremely talented writer, you have a way with words most people spend their whole lives looking for. I’m proud to have read something that is such an accurate portrayal of what my everyday life is like. It helps to know that there are other people out there that go through the same thing, and I am not alone.
Sep 21 at 17:44
Thanks for the description. I have been on both sides of the fence.
Fortunately, for me, the SSRI group medicines help a lot. The side effects are annoying and the drugs stop working after several months because the liver gets used to them. On balance, the medications make life a great deal easier and limit the extent and severity of the attacks. This was not true in the pre-SSRI era. The tri-cyclic group made my suffering worse, not better.
Biff and company just don’t get it, do they? They remind me of the people who crassly insist that they haven’t time to get sick, thus implying that people who get sick and/or die do so simply because they “have the time” to indulge in this sought after state :-).
Clinical depression is an illness which changes the brain chemistry or results from disordered brain chemistry and functioning. The brain cannot heal itself just by willing itself to do so and sufferers cannot prevent their illness from occuring or re-ocurring just by willing it.
It is niave in the extreme to believe that depression and other forms of mental illness did not exist in earlier centuries or do not exist in third world countries. The only thing which is certain is that, like many other illnesses and disabilities, it was or is not recognised and diagnosed. If the families do not care for them the victims die, either by suicide, lack of self care or starvation.
Sep 21 at 18:39
thank you all for being honest.. I can see why people who aren’t depressed get upset and want quick fixes for us.
I do too.
half or more of my “mood disorder” is that I hate myself for being sick. I hate being me. I hate feeling sooo guilty about how I affect my sisters and Mother and Father. and I remember being a child and how I felt about my parents both being sick. they had it and now I have it. cycles of genes and behavior and patterns of habit and belief. and now what?
days and days of isolation. hospital beds. medication. and still I can’t stop blaming myself. so I hurt and I sleep and I try to hide from pain. but it’s inside of me so I want to die to end it.
I just feel bad about who I am as if I cold choose to be someone else. I wish I could live a different life.
maybe I do need to do the 12 step thing and learn to be grateful.
I wish the I could stop scaring and hurting myself and others. I take full responsibility and that’s why I want to die.
not all the time the though.
maybe it is selfish to be so upset. but it’s because I care soo much. my brain is broken. feelings don’t make me think straight. thinking straight isn’t easy. not when I hurt so much.
maybe I think my pain keeps me safe. I have psychotic depression they say.
Sep 21 at 19:11
I embraced the darkness, it is where I am.
Sep 21 at 19:17
Wow. This level of response was completely unexpected. Trying to work out where everyone is suddenly coming from.
At the top page of my blog, I’ve written a response to some of the comments, and it’s kind of a less-well-written postscript.
Sep 21 at 20:26
I feel I should perhaps point out that clinical depression, defined as an observable and (theoretically) treatable imbalance in brain chemistry, is not really what I was aiming at when I posted my previous comment. I realize that I was rather more… caustic than I intended, but I’ve had to deal with a lot of people in my life that claimed “depression” (note the quotes this time) yet refused to seek any kind of help. I think they knew full well that there was nothing really (i.e. physically) wrong with them.
The followup article to this one rightly points out that those of us able to read this Internet article are in the top few per cent in terms of world living conditions. If we can all agree that therefore one’s life and relative living conditions would be a grossly unreasonable reason to feel miserable, what then is left? You’re depressed because you don’t like yourself, the person you’ve become… well, guess who is the _only_ person who can change that? Let’s spend less time making excuses and failing before we’ve even started, eh?
Sep 21 at 20:34
@Biff If that was the only reason to be “depressed”, then I would agree with you.
I don’t. It’s not that simple.
There ARE people out there for whom depression is an easy “out”, an excuse to not take any responsibility for their lives; I’ve met them. I’m not going to quote percentages, because I don’t know.
But there are multiple reasons for people to develop depression, and it’s not just a simple matter of “quit making excuses” and “pull yourself together”.
My dad had a non-fatal heart attack on Father’s day last year. There are reasons that he had that heart attack. Afterwards, there was no point in saying “you should have done this”. And you would have to be insane to point your finger at him and say “pull yourself together, it’s just a heart attack”.
He has a responsibility to treat his health far more importantly than he has in the past, but his heart is now damaged, and he has to deal with the consequences of that for the rest of his (hopefully long) life.
A person with depression NEEDS to take responsibility to dealing with it, no argument there. But it’s far more complicated than “not liking yourself”.
I do understand what you’re getting at, but please don’t oversimplify it.
Sep 21 at 23:13
Thank you. Well put.
I appreciate this more than you can know.
/ah
Sep 22 at 07:28
Recovery is hard work.
Not everyone is willing, or ready, to do the work.
Depression is different for everyone. Without knowing you each personally, I am making up the following the best I can with the information gathered..
With the exception of a slim group of people, you can do the work of recovery.
In true healing, you are uncomfortable before you feel better.
In true recovery, you have a love/hate relationship with the therapist, but something keeps you coming back. The truth.
Not all are ready for it.
There are Very Few good therapists. Very Few who have had their own recovery. Without it, they are only able to take you so far.
However, without the help of someone with recovery, you will continue the toxic family cycle. It is a brave person who has the intestinal fortitude to break it. (Again, with help)
Don’t give up looking for help to do this work, you cannot do it alone.
We live in a society-a.k.a. America, where being a “big boy” or “big girl” is pushed on us at an early age, where keeping a poker face and always responding with “I’m doing great how are you?” is a highly regarded way of interaction. “Neglect your feelings.” We are sent the message that we are bad for having negative feelings and we are to push them down, “make them go away.” How very sadly inaccurate . . . and unrealistic.
This, I believe, is why self-medicating is so prevalent–drug abuse, sex, porn and computer addictions, affairs, etc. All an attempt to keep the feelings at bay, to numb oneself.
My experience is that people look for an identity–clinging to “I Am depressed” or “I Am a goth” That’s not who you are. You are not your feelings or your experiences.
You are a spiritual being having a human experience (can’t remember who’s quote that is)
Some people just aren’t ready to let go of that identity. Some don’t have the resources to. To those people I say, keep looking.
I absolutely believe if you have been raised abusively in a toxic family, that you need someone for a certain amount of time to re-parent you. Nevermind helping yourself. Nobody ever taught you.
Jessica,
What I’m hearing is your family taught you that you have control over others’ feelings. This forms a false sense of power and entitlement in a child. And is also abusive. How scary to be small and think you control your parents.
I’ll never forget my mom telling me, “You make me smoke.”
We do not have control over what other people feel nor do They have control over how We feel.
What others’ feel, how they respond to a situation is about them; their past, their history, their experiences. Their reaction is rarely about you, or a reflection of you who you are as a person.
What you feel is about you.
I hear that you don’t welcome your feelings..you refuse to sit them through until they are finished .. you’re not selfish or ungrateful, you are living what you learned, That “you are not enough.” Jess, you are precious..You always have been a precious child of God.
Can you get O.K. with who you are? Are you all willing to? That is where the healing is. You are worth it.
I can’t want more for you than you want for yourself.
If someone’s words here had the power to trigger anger in you, than there must be some truth.
This is all just my opinion. If you need to be mad at me, that’s O.K.
All my love to you in your recovery processes..it is hard but worth it … a precious journey.
Kat
Sep 22 at 07:36
Recovery defined .. “being willing to challenge old thoughts and behaviors, try new behaviors, practicing self-containment..reading literature, attending groups and one-on-ones …”
Sep 22 at 08:43
I write to cope. Or cope to write. I do neither well at times……
Life In Death
The uninvited visitor
A creeping cloud
Oozing over
An already too-cool sun
A slow sad seduction
Of the defenseless
When mind over matter
Matters not
Smothering serenity
Squandering joy
Feasting on the panic
The dread in your head
Tolerate another day
Waiting with sour held breath
From metallic medicine
That keeps the dark dogs at bay
Sep 22 at 11:43
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Sep 23 at 02:18
Thank you so much for explaining so well what it feels like to live with this horrible disease. I’ve had depression for many, many years (coupled with an anxiety disorder) and while some days feel okay, and some are even great, some days just are grey, and sad, and I’m struck immobile by my inability to process. I have found that talk therapy and 20mg of Lexapro a day have helped me enough to remain engaged…best of luck to you, and I hope that you remain stable and well.
Sep 23 at 02:41
Wow. Thank you. (number 40 reply). I’m 48 years old, have been suffering from some sort of mental disorder, beginning with major depression when I was eleven years old. NO ONE can tell anyone who is suffering with a chemical imbalance to “Get Over IT!” Thank you thank you thank you!
A great book is “Feeling Good” by BURNS. Another is called “Happiness is a Choice” can’t remember the authors. Don’t let the title fool you , it’s not telling us it’s our choice to be happy or not just by choosing it. There are things we can choose to do to help us in that direction. Like cognitive therapy, meds, etc. etc. It also points out that, untreated, major depression can lead to psychosis. And that’s what happened to me… Whooppieeeee. Now I take all sorts of meds and they really don’t help. If anyone knows anyone suffering from depression please help them get the help they need before it’s too late for meds to help them!!! My mother still says to this day “I wish I had gotten help for you when you needed it” referring back when my dad died when I was eleven…
Thanks again for your writing about this. WRITE MORE!
Sep 23 at 02:41
I suffered from depression and still do occasionally. I found that some things helped. I try to drink a lot of water, around 4 bottles a day. I try to eat as well as I can, which means I avoid fast food and saturated fats. I think this really does work. Also, I try to take one problem at a time and clear my plate so that there aren’t so many of them bothering me. Confronting your problems, no matter how complex or difficult they are, is the best thing you can ever do to get rid of depression. Sometimes those problems are really hard to face, like being unsure about a marriage or your place in life, dealing with difficult trauma from your past or handling other problems that make you feel like your whole foundation could crumble because you’re just “supposed” to not have the problem or feel like that. Those are the best ones to think about, to figure out why they’re there and how you can fix them. Good luck.
Sep 23 at 03:48
I had to laugh while reading this. my main fear has always been that they will either 1) lock me up in an institution, leaving my 2 children with their alcoholic father, OR with my mother who is an anal retentive, obsessive compulsive narccicist who screwed the 3 of us up growing up; OR 2) dope me up so much that I cannot function anyway. (Besides, mine are better anyway! **wink**)
It IS frustrating, but it’s nice to know that someone knows what it feels like.
Thank you for this.
Sep 23 at 05:17
Depression is such a complicated thing, with so many factors that influence both its development and its maintenance that to say either talking or meds are ‘the answer’ is way too simplistic.
I’ve lived with depression now for at least 23 years, probably longer but before that I didn’t recognise it, and so didn’t have any input.
I went through incredible guilts about having depression, after all I did all the right things and had a ‘happy’ childhood (well, at least a settled one). The worst was that I’d fought against having a diagnosis because someone in my family had it, and I didn’t want that label!
And of course, in the Church, having depression was clearly either sinning or not having enough faith, or perhaps a demon invading!
I happily take medications, without them I wouldn’t be alive. I’ve also had a lot of psychotherapy - and without that I wouldn’t be alive.
At the same time I’ve done a lot of personal growth and learned to accept that depression is part of me, almost a moderating factor and one way my brain gets ‘me’ to slow down!
I can’t say I like my depression, I don’t at all. But I do accept that it’s there, and that it can be managed, with the occasional moment when it jumps up and sits on me.
So the answers for me, and I’d never presume to say they’re for anyone else, are:
- medications for the neurochemical balance (yes I’ve withdrawn from them heaps, under supervision, and sadly I’ve crashed badly without them)
- good psychotherapy to help recognise that some issues are about me, and some are about what has happened to me, and some are about how I respond to what’s happened to me
- good cognitive therapy skills that I use on my self to be aware of thinking patterns and beliefs
- good self care habits like a pattern of rest as well as activity, good sleep habits, healthy eating, exercise, laughter, recreation, hard work
- accepting that I’m OK despite my illness, it’s just like my height, my crappy eyesight and my tendency to like to sleep in - simply part of me!
Sep 23 at 05:17
thanks that is really how it is like.
and that is the problem with pulling yourself up out of it;
“”. How can you explain that the objectively irrational impulses seem subjectively rational? That you understand that you’re not OK, but there’s nothing you can do to change it,”
you know its there and theres nothing left except the others around you.
and when you question the importance of them things start to fall apart.
a ireally am starting to belive all feelings are just chemical imbalances in the brain.
as far as the people in past ageds and africa. they have a since of need and desire when you have everything you loose that. especiallly if you never worked for it…
Sep 23 at 05:20
I was a staight depressive. Didn’t even know what the symptoms were, but once I found out I could look back and see several episodes where it really showed up. I started getting better the day I realized I couldn’t be such a bad guy when my intentions were so good. Lucky for me some meds and cognitive therapy made my “recovery” quite complete. I realize that you may never be “completely cured”, but it’s been over 8 years and I’m doing fine now, methinks.
Sep 23 at 06:00
Brilliant depiction of the ‘illness’(my psychiatrist’s definition). I have suffered the ‘illness’ for the past ten or so years. I say ten years but have felt ‘blue’ for most of my life. What annoys me about myself is that I have so much to be thankful for, great wife, fantastic kids, an amazing job and a quality of life that most people envy. Yet, the last two weeks have been, as defined by a book I’m currently reading, ‘a battlefield in my mind.’ Unfortunately it is a private ‘battle’ that cannot be resolved by people telling me to ‘focus on the positive’. People seem to have such simplistic solutions for what is a truly complex problem. The ‘battle’ continues.
Sep 23 at 08:38
Found this via stumbleupon - didnt expect to get serious before bedtime , but both angry(at those who show no understanding of clinical depression) and pleased for those who do and accept that there is life after depression, or in some cases manic depression /bipolar, strikes.
I have finally come to terms with BP and now help others find the strength to deal with the consequences of this REAL illness in their lives. Believe me, there is nothing imaginary about a mania or deep depression but,just in case your not convinced, the best answer is to accept your illness (& help, including medicinal at its most extreme) but also accept that ultimately only you can re-train your mind to find the positive side of lifes coin and that the embracing of this responsibility is the first of many small steps toward a lasting recovery & a fulfilling life.
Depression is not a death sentence , it may feel like it at times & thats when seeking help is a sign of strength & responsibility - not weakness -ideally seek it before things get that bad
You are loved -Monty
Sep 23 at 09:22
I can relate 100%… I’m going through the same thing, im even on the medication for it and it helped for a few months, but ive sunk back down for the last week or so… I hope everyone can read this at least once and get a glimpse of what its like and not just look down and see you as just person who wants attention… i wish you the best.
Sep 23 at 09:28
I just stumbled upon this, and it’s amazing. This is exactly what I feel most of the times, and you did a good job putting it in words.
Sep 23 at 10:16
I stumbled across this and I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was like Biff thinking that those who were *sad* all the time were annoying and needed to get over it. I also felt depression was for people that wanted to have attention. Well, after several years and just discovering this year that daily thoughts of suicide are not normal, crying (bawling really) about not making cookies, hating people and turning to rage in a matter of a second, sleeping for 14-16 hours a day and then able to fall asleep again only an hour later is not normal. The thing is, I don’t like being this way. You could sit me in the middle of Africa next to the poorest people or the most beautiful home without a care in the world, and I would still feel the same. It’s almost like being a marionette puppet and somebody (who is mean and sadistic) is holding my strings and I can’t break free. Right now, my medicine is working. I am getting up after 8 hours of sleep and working and actually enjoying life again. Thank you for writing this essay. It is very well written.
Sep 23 at 11:15
@ Hennie,
I hear you — and while a great wife, kids and good economic status certainly help … those are all external factors. And that voice that shames you, “You should be happy,” “You should be grateful” who’s voice is this? I challenge you to take notice of that voice when it comes and in your head laugh at it and say, “Isn’t that ridiculous!” Or, “Of course I’m grateful and I give myself permission to feel my feelings.”
Gratefulness and happiness do not necessarily equal each other.
Good luck on your journey..
@ Monty
Sep 23 at 13:12
My boyfriend and I just had a row about why I am the way I am, and what I’m feeling.
He wants to know what I have to be so upset about.
I’m going to read this to him, and hope that he gets it.
Thank you. I don’t know how I can express my gratitude.
Sep 23 at 13:21
“Depression in my own words” is indeed That in everyone’s words !!
As one of the bloggers says — we should take it as a ‘natural slowing down of the overworkded brain or mind’ and hold ourselves till it ‘passes of’ or wants to ‘move ahead’….
In Indian local terms - the three states of mind are positive - assertive -passive . Depression is the passive state - and they say they are incessantly cyclical or in combos at times.
THANKS again for Deciferring the possible ‘deadening’ Depressive state and more so for ‘Driving out our Fears and Frights on the Ailment’ and helping us to
‘Drive out the Depression’ !!
Veda
[social anthropologist]
India
Sep 23 at 15:28
“When you’re in a situation where you need to sit in a little room and talk, there’s a good chance that you’re not in a position to be able to afford it.”
I think that is most accurate description of mental health care (especially in America) I’ve ever seen.
Sep 23 at 15:45
As a student myself, I never escape from depression…but we learn to deal with it. So, it is a part of me now, and I try to watch TV and play badminton every day to control it from empowering me.
Sep 23 at 15:49
Biff is an idiot. Has it occurred to your small-minded self Biff that there were very few clinically depressed folks in the 12th century because people were not living in a world that we did not evolve for? Ask yourself why suddenly so many people are depressed. Could it possibly be that our society is f%^$-ing DEPRESSING?????? Isolation, shallowness, consumer culture, being forced to live surrounded by people like YOU?????
Depression is real. Nobody chooses it, moron.
Sep 23 at 16:27
I know exactly what you mean. A lot of people seem to have said this, but I’d like to say it as well.
Depression seems to bring this world to an unending standstill. I often look around at work, trying to think of what to do when I get into one of my moods. I always think to myself, “This world of suffering shall also pass, and in each moment of joy, the world of gray grows dim.” I don’t know where this crap comes from, but I know exactly what you mean.
Lots of people say chemicals and things like that, I have a friend who takes them, and I don’t think they help him at all.
The worst thing about depression from my view, is that you can force it back, but it always returns to pay you back for kicking it out the door. It gets to the point sometimes where I get down on my knees and pray for something, anything, to stop it.
Reading your words have helped ease my pain for some reason. I thank you for your wisdom, and I would like to comfort you with the fact that you have at least eased the burden of this suffering soul.
Sep 23 at 16:34
The best thing against depression its purpose, try to find your life’s goal and please do not isolate yourself, we all know what we love to do, even though some of us have to dig up a little to find out what our dreams are, but they are still there, just don’t give up!, I know that pretty words don’t mean anything when we fell sad, but all of us are special and we all have a purpose in life, I am 24 years old I been in and out of depression for a long time, a few months ago I lost my job, my girlfriend dumped me, and I suffered an accident that badly mangled my left leg, I fell into a deep depression, worst than ever before in my life i felt so sorry for myself, like if god was punishing me for something that I had done, I had two choices, either I give up on life and lock myself in a room suffering and crying for the rest of my life, or I try to take advantage of the situation. I spent so many years of my life working on jobs that I hated and that took me nowhere but now thanks to all the bad things that happened to me I finally have the chance of doing what I love, I love to paint that’s what I always wanted to do I have done a couple of art pieces by now and I’m filling up with courage to go out and try to sell them, I feel exited and so impressed of the talent that I thought I had lost, depression and self pity are now gone. If I could do it all of you can just find a purpose, a goal, a dream you’ll see that when you start to follow your dreams the whole universe conspires in your favor.
Sep 23 at 16:51
Hey,
There is definitely something you can do about depression, please don’t lose hope. And please dont go to a psychiatrist and most of all NEVER take psychiatric medicine. The thing is, depression is only a symptom to a deeper problem. Using pharmaceutical drugs will only cut out this symptom not helping the problem itself be solved at all. I understand depression and obsession, having gone through and successfully getting rid of it. Please try to look at it this way: that your feeling of depression might be due to some underlying feeling of lack or loss, but this is yours to discover. Be aware of your thoughts and feelings throughout the day and you will discover the thoughts that trigger your troubles. Be aware of these thoughts as a silent observer and let your intelligence guide you. And most of all, the most important thing, is to have faith in yourself. Unshakeable, unwavering faith in yourself because in the journey of your self knowledge you might find that your thoughts are the most important and powerful things.And that you and every human being is immensely powerful, important and beautiful. Your thoughts create you… So dont let them limit or define you.So dont limit your thoughts… dont be satisfied with anything less than the best for yourself. Stand up and be powerful… take command of everything in your life. Believe me, every thought creates you and events around you.
Second, i would suggest all of you to start practicing yoga. You can learn from the nearest bihar school of yoga. This alone will most likely make the depression disappear.
Love
Sep 23 at 16:56
[...] post, “Depression, in my own words” came from Wazzapedia and is a touching and expressive account of depression by (and this is an [...]
Sep 23 at 17:05
[...] I didn’t expect anything like the responses I had to my last post. I want to explain some [...]
Sep 23 at 18:16
Thank you for sharing.
Sep 24 at 02:12
I too suffer from depression, and it comes and goes for extended periods of time… it helps to hear about someone else’s experiences so as to not feel so alone in the experience.
Thank you for sharing.
Sep 24 at 02:13
[...] in his own words This entry was posted in www and tagged english. Bookmark the permalink. Post a comment or leave a [...]
Sep 24 at 02:30
It’s hard to keep your chin up with all of the crap going on in the world these days. It’s hard enough having to struggle to pay the bills without having to watch the royal mess the greedy rich power mongers are making all over the place. It’s all getting too much for everyday folk to handle. There ain’t any pills that can stop you feeling pissed off with it all if it gets that bad. I have had them all. The only drugs that totally take you out of the mental head furk that is 21st century life are illegal and very addictive. But, for a while, they work really well. I ended up on a methadone script for years because of the depression. Nothing else worked like opiates. The new re-uptake inhibitor drugs are awful and felt a lot more dangerous and mind bending than opiates. I would take opiates over any new re-uptake inhibiting drug for long term use every time. Prozac, Venlofaxin, etc are addictive and can have scary side effects, sometimes leading to death. What they do to the brain after long term use is still unknown so be warned.
Acceptance is the answer but it is an elusive emotional state and takes great practice to keep hold of; I enjoy only fleeting moments of feeling so. I now know that life is short and that everything will be alright if I wish for it hard enough and go with the flow. Then I can even start to feel grateful for my lot!
UKBLAZA
Sep 24 at 03:29
I’ve been there and am almost there a lot of the time - the edge of darkness is always in my soul - thank you for this blog - peace and love to you and courage - IB
Sep 24 at 03:41
Thanks
Sep 24 at 05:13
Gotta tell you… I know exactly where you are coming from and I, too, wrote a piece about this as I was starting to emerge from my last bout. If you do not mind my posting the address, I will add it to the end. It is amazing how so many people do not, or will not, understand depression. What, too, amazes me is how most doctors, especially if you are with Kaiser Permanente, immediately start by throwing meds at the problems. That is like trying to fix a hole in the wall with wallpaper… the hole is still there, but not so that others would notice. I think the meds are more to make others feel good because they do not notice your depression. That is why I have never taken the meds.
Hopefully you will not mind, but here is the link to my story dealing with depression:
http://www.samuraimarineblog.com/2008/02/10/depression-reaching-out-from-the-dark/
Sep 24 at 08:05
Meditation helps some.
Sep 24 at 08:27
As everybody else seems to be saying in here, it was brilliantly written. Thankfully not full of that woefull diatribe ive heard from time to time.
I never bothered talkin to anyone about my problems. Why bother? Youll just seem like a self-pitying numpty, and if youre smart enough to notice that the other person is thinkin just that then youll kick yourself in the nuts even harder.
Depression though, and speakin as someone who has and still occaisionally does suffer from it, is self inflicted. Not directly, but indirectly. As much as im sure all the people who suffer from it will cry out in outrage, its literally from being weak minded. The diference is, you werent always like that. I knew i wasnt, and i was determined that i wasnt gonna let it get the better of me. Two years it took me to pull my head out of my arse (theres probably still an ear in there), and there were plenty of times where i was convinced id never do it. Doomed, i thought. There were a number of things that helped though. I considered it as an abstract maths puzzle, somethin that i knew could be solved. Id look at my problems from every angle, and each time id be certain id come up with the solution only to find the next night that the ‘formula’ id created didnt quite fit. Eventually it starts to come together though. I read about meta-physics. I meditated (albeit rarely lol). I never took medication. More importantly, like Biff said, take a look around. There are people far worse off. Put things into perspective, and then think about wether you wanna be lyin on your death bed regretting that you didnt have enough about you to get the better of it. If that doesnt spur you on, then pull your bloody fingers out! At least its somethin that can definatley be overcome (believe it or not kids!), and not like cancer.
Sep 24 at 10:03
cheers to another who understands and inspiring over 70 comments on such a complex and often misunderstood emotion.
thank you
Sep 24 at 12:06
“I go to work, and try to fit into “normal” like a cheap suit that I bought in a hurry and can’t take back.” Perfect.
It’s almost equally difficult to describe the emotions evoked by reading something like this. On the one hand it feels good to know that others feel this way, that others deal with it and survive. On the other hand it almost causes despair to think that nobody else can find a way to fix it or move on either. Reading about others’ experience with it sometimes only reminds me that i just have to live with and enjoy the times it recedes, no matter how rare or how brief they seem to be.
Sep 24 at 12:19
@ Luke
You said,
“Id look at my problems from every angle, ”
I say..Yes … And, the same mind that comes up with the problem does not come up with the solution..
Indeed, it is the strong individual, the soul who does not feel entitled, better-than and grandiose who is the soul who asks for help..
It takes quite a bit of strength to reach out, not everybody has the intestinal fortitude to take this step.
Talking with the right, recovered, intelligent individual can save one’s life.
Meds are often a necessity in the formula that makes up someone’s mental health plan of attack.
You are no more, no less of a human being for taking or not taking medication.
No one is better-than or less-than . . we are all equal.
No need to one up anyone here, Luke . . .
That said, I’d go as far as to question the authenticity of your recovery . . .
Katharine
Sep 24 at 17:34
Sadly, i didnt recieve a certificate stating ‘well done, B+’.
A couple of things Katherine. Believeing you cannot come up with a soltuion is a defeatists attitude. Yes, ofcourse thats part and parcel to depression. But is there not one part of you, that individual essence that you retract to on your darkest days that says ‘i will not stand for this?’. For me it was as quiet as a match being struck in a hurricane, but nonetheless it was there.
Im sure to some that talking through your problems is vital, i wouldnt assume otherwise. As may be medication. And ofcourse it doesnt effect your status as a human being. Why would it? I was merely commenting on my own experiences. After all, inorder to proceed do we not gather that which is useful and disgard that which is not? Sure, there may be people like yourself who found my response ignorant to their plight, but then ofcourse there will be those who found it hit exactly the right buttons.
As for trying to ‘one up’, i do apolagise if you felt like i was trying to do this to you katherine. Im not trying to question the authenticity of the depths to which you might have gone, and nor am i skipping around with a lolipop shouting ‘im better than you, im better than you’. I would probably go as far as to assume you actualy agreed with some of what i wrote, but are still angry at yourself for not taking it by the horns, and so lash out. Still, this is the exact attitude that helped me, and although it may not work for everyone (obviously), im sure it will help some. To any others that find it offensive, i apolagise. To those who find it remotely inspiring, good luck, and crack on.
Sep 24 at 17:43
“mother of sufferer” - I’m not going to be baited by vitriolic personal attacks. My opinion is as valid as that of anyone else, and I am not being unreasonable by sharing it. I’ll respond to your points if you are able to make them in a mature fashion.
–
Warwick, it is very difficult for me _not_ to (over)simplify the issue, since I freely admit it is one with which I have no personal experience. I’m also well aware that there are a myriad of reasons for people to develop depression, just as there are for other conditions.
I think perhaps we actually agree, but that we are getting stuck over the minor details. I’m glad you agree that depressed people owe it to themselves to actively seek treatment, but I find it hard to associate that with any sympathy for those who spend the whole time saying “I’ve tried, but I can’t.” That’s just another way of saying “I give up”, which is just as unacceptable and irresponsible as would be failing to closely monitor one’s health following a heart attack. In other words, I don’t (as some seem to have decided) feel that those with depression should simply “snap out of it” but I DO think that there is no excuse for a lack of effort in tackling the problem - whatever form it may take.
If there’s still some key point I’m simply not grasping, I’m certainly keen to hear it.
Sep 24 at 19:13
I stumbled across this post.
There is something beautiful about the way you’ve written and explained this illness.
I know nothing about it but here’s my take as a father of a child with “issues”.
I get frustrated and angry at him, those who are “experts” and at myself. I cannot help. And then I try to put myself in his shoes. I have no idea what it is like for him and what he has to put up with nor can I understand the anger and frustration he must feel.
So like you, there must be added frustration that nobody who hasn’t the same challenges can possibly really understand.
Congratulations on such a touching piece. If only “we” could help.
Sep 24 at 20:57
A wonderful job of explaining how I feel, even now as I sit and read your post.
No one can fathom the hopeless feeling that is more often than not inspired by the worst of things - nothing at all.
Sep 25 at 01:44
Greetings. I feel for you, but there comes a time? when you cannot let depression sink in or those Black or Grey gloomy storm clouds surround you. The Solution? : Serious Music Therapy. I am a musician/ vocalist. I find that doing this? gets rid of all manner of Depression. I am a Multi Instrumentalist.. I play many musical instruments. It is fun and keeps you busy and you won’t have time to think of gloom or doom. One of the top ones? is the Guitar. It is already Documented by both the American Psychiatric and the Psychologic Societies or both Organizations that the Struming of a Guitar? is great therapy. Advice to all of you up here? get yourselves a UKELELE (Hawian guitar) they’re inexpensive? and can start you off to nice serious Therapy. If you need my services? for music therapy? refer to my email and contact me. GET OUT OF THAT RUT!!!!!!
Sep 25 at 01:53
Whoa guys . cheer up. you only live once afterall. and look on the bright side , antidepressants stimulate the growth of new neurons in the brain!
Sep 25 at 02:02
Thanks for this. I found you on StumbleUpon. I have/had clinical depression. It progressively got worse as the years go on until I eventually went to a therapist and psychiatrist. They put me on Zoloft, then Lexapro. They did more harm than good. I eventually just gave up on the meds and quit my job. Also wound up on academic probation in my school. I seem to have found the answer to my problems. It seems that sugar is an upper and starch is a downer for me. If I limit those things, I stay on a level field. Still, I went to a job interview and I felt so embarrassed because I had to think up excuses as to why I’ve gone from job to job, or why there’s gaps in my resumé. I don’t want to say, “Yeah, I’ve been off and on bed ridden and living off my folks.” I don’t expect anyone to understand that I have a good work ethic but things get in the way. I mean before, I’d go through a cycle of anxiety, self loathing, crying, then feeling too fatigued to do anything from the anxiety and crying. It’s sad because I’m exercising more, working faster than I ever have in my life and I can’t get ahead because of words on a paper.
Sep 25 at 02:26
Luke, I appreciate your honest response. No apology necessary.
Kat
Sep 25 at 03:38
I find it a comfort to know other people feel this way. Not that misery loves company, but simply that I am not alone with the thoughts that plague me daily. I also wake up wondering why I’m on the planet and what is my purpose. I came across some information regarding existentialism, and found it frighteningly familiar. Questions like, why am I here, who put me here, is there a manager to whom I can complain? I often feel like a alien in a strange place that I was never meant to be. I’ve tried (and continue taking) meds, have been through talk therapy and honestly, none of it has “cured” me. I believe the meds keep me on a more even keel, but at the same time I can sleep for 19 hours a day as sleep seems to be the only real relief for me. Others call it laziness, but I feel it’s a lack of interest in life. I too have all good things that others would love to trade me for, but I wouldn’t wish my brain on anyone.
Again, thanks for the article that brought some comfort to me.
Sep 25 at 07:14
My mom has depression. And growing up I could not understand why she was the way she was. Then she finally got medication that seemed to work, and I guess it helped a bit - until I fell on some tough times and was a little depressed myself and she started projecting. I thought I might see if I needed the help for this problem I suddenly “always had my entire life.”
I never want to be on anti-depressants again. That was truly the worst time of my life. I tried three different types over a 6 month period. Between constant mood swings, an inability to reach sexual climax and even worse depression they came close to ruining my life.
Sep 25 at 07:38
You whoever you are a great writer.. I stumbled upon this blog and it caught my attention right away.. you need to get into writing.. Love to see your paperbacks…
simple use of words, effective analogies, brutal truthfulness… great blog..
Sep 25 at 07:55
So, is the depression syndrome associated with brain chemicals under/over production or is it driven by our modern way of life? Is there a clinical explanation on this?
Sep 25 at 08:00
wow. i just stumbled upon this blog… and you do a great job. i am 24 and my mom has been suffering from depression for a long time and you said what i see in her everyday, thank you.
Sep 25 at 08:42
I spent a majority of my life (starting around 11) trying to off myself..my life was pure hell from the get go..emotionally,and physically abused…I was a cutter,I often went to tops of buildings and thought of jumping,how easy it would have been…on and off I was taking anti depressants,,,they really didn’t do much but make me forget things,that wasn’t a cure….got diagnosed with sleep apnea and laughed,coz they said if I slept without a cpap machine I would die…Look I guess they were wrong…one day I took a razor to my wrist and ended up in the nut ward of a local hospital..spent two days there and that’s when I really woke up…I looked around at the real whackos and decided I really wasn’t one of em.I refer to it as pulling my head out of my tush,I decided right then and there I wasn’t going to let it control me anymore and that every day I was going to find something,ANYTHING,that I could laugh about,and I did! In my case,my depression was all on me,I owned it,therefore it was mine to discard,and I did it,all on my own…you just have to want it badly enough to do something about it. I have since had more crap fall on me..Like being diagnosed with and operated on for Crohn’s disease…took me a year to get over that fiasco and it may kill me yet,but I refuse to let it get me down,because I CAN find something to make me smile,even if it’s only silly things I do….So people wake up and make the choice…own your depression…accept what life gives you and move on…..I am not a religious person,but the Serenity Prayer is what you need to read to yourself every day! Be happy!You can do it!
Sep 25 at 09:10
Biff - Surely you have not read the blog? The point is that depression - true depression often makes it difficult to get help for yourself. I would imagine that you think the way you do (and I believe you are completely entitled to your opinion) because you have not suffered with the condition.
I work and always have done, people at work would not know that I suffer with depression. I am in a management position and I work with disabled adults - I would go so far as to say I love my job but every day I have to battle with myself to get up, to leave for work, to go out with friends and not let them down by pulling out at the last minute again. Everyday I question why I feel like I do, every day I try to change the way I feel or behave - but sometimes I can’t.
I am an intelligent woman who is sometimes an
unwilling prisoner of myself. It’s my life that depression is ruining. I don’t like even admitting that I am depressed to myself…It’s not the image of myself that I have or want. If I could choose a different path - I would believe me. My condition has no impact on your life whatsoever so why would you feel the need to question that it’s real or little more than a modern day construct?
It’s true, people of my mum’s generation didn’t go to the Doctors for the treatment of depression, but when my Gran died 30 years ago - she didn’t go for the treatment of Cancer - the point being medicine advances with the passing of the generations. I would bet that my mum died having suffered with depression for at least 25 years - I regret that she didn’t get treatment.
I think you prove one of Warwick’s first points - you can’t explain to someone who hasn’t been there.
Sep 25 at 09:37
I often suffer with depression, and I think of it as looking at a Rubik’s cube with 6 sides but 8 colors. You just KNOW you are right that things are not going to work, so what’s the point? But, when I’m not depressed, it all seems so silly! I think, “What a big baby I was, that will surely never happen again.”, but it does. I’ve recently “invented” a way of visualizing depression…. Think of a sine wave on the screen of a computer. The wave is very smooth and regular. This represents a normal, non-depressed state of mind. Now imagine hooking a cable to your brain, and your depression shows on the screen as a different wave, super-imposed on the other “normal” wave. You’re depressed thoughts look all random and noisy. When I’m depressed, I do this visualization and concentrate on the normal brain wave pattern, and imagine it’s a beautiful musical note sung by the best singer in the world. I actually see my moods change to get in harmony with the music. It works for me, hope it helps any of you others that suffer! PEACE!
Sep 25 at 10:06
I’ve been dealing with pretty intense anxiety, its not like depression I’m sure, but what you described about people still expecting things from you and not understanding/not caring why you have to try so hard to provide them thats really spot on for me too.
Sep 25 at 10:44
Biff -
Depression isnt about not having enough, it is about not being enough. Its like falling and never getting a chance to stand back up.
I would like to point out the attitude you have towards depression.
“I find it hard to associate that with any sympathy for those who spend the whole time saying “I’ve tried, but I can’t.” That’s just another way of saying “I give up”, which is just as unacceptable and irresponsible as would be failing to closely monitor one’s health following a heart attack”
If you would take a moment to think about every mistake you’ve made, every time you failed, every rejection you’ve had, that feeling of inadequacy that you may have felt for a split second is what depression is like, but there is no “ill do better next time.”
For me I felt inferior, I was like the runt of the pack that got left behind. It seemed as if everyone around me was thinking that I wasn’t good enough. Now that I am out of depression I realized that it was relatively true. Because of my pain people began to look down at me, and when I asked for help they would say the same thing you say. If all people are telling you is that your worthless imagine the impact that has on your self esteem.
Maybe people dont have Flat screen TV’s over in 3rd world countries but one thing they do have is support from those around them. They are in the same mess as everyone else, but over here it is as if you are all alone and everyone one around you is living in their dream world.
Its like being the men chained in Platos “Allegory of the Cave.” We dont understand that there is another world out there and it takes some crazy mindset to get out of this depressing way of thinking.
I don’t know how well I presented my ideas but I hope that helps you to begin to understand what the mindset of those with depression is.
Sep 25 at 12:18
Thank you.
Sep 25 at 12:40
@ Ben –
anxiety is another way of saying you’re fearful about what might happen. One of the best things you can do is BREATHE–deeply, inhale for 6 0r more seconds and exhale slowly as well.
Conquer the anxiety, start with being still .. and focusing on your own breathing.
@ Dawn — I hear everything you’re saying and it’s all valid. I would like to point out one thing that you said, “true depression often makes it difficult to get help for yourself.”
That’s the ultimate victim statement.
You are the only person who can make that decision to get help. Decide that despite the way you feel, you will.
If you’re going to complain and not reach out for help, accept help or attempt to change than you’re choosing to stay depressed.
Nobody is going to come rescue anybody.
I apologize if that makes you angry. That’s the nature of the truth.
@ Nicole –
Other countries are more accepting of depression and mourning; in one place, a widow wears black for a whole year, hangs something above their door that lets people know she’s in mourning and everyone treats her differently-in a good way.
The people who looked down on you do not represent the non-depressed population! I’m sorry those people treated you that way. The ones who really help are the ones who meet you where you’re at and I’m sad you didn’t have that support–perhaps you were surrounded by a bunch of unhealthy people? For now, be careful who you choose to expose yourself to.
Sep 25 at 15:12
Wow… although I don’t actually suffer from depression, I know exactly how you feel, I get those very same moments sometimes too, where nothing seems worth the effort and you find it hard to get up in the morning. And you probably don’t want to hear tips on how to make it go away, but… here:
Get the hell out of your life. Change it. Usually, the job is what’s causing these problems because you are not doing what your brain is wired to do. Quit your job and get a different one. It doesn’t have to be amazing or glamorous, it just has to be enough so you don’t lose your home and possessions. Try getting something completely the opposite of what you’re doing now. If it doesn’t work out, then get something else. Just make sure that you have the basic needs plus some luxury items covered, you don’t need to live like royalty. If you have kids, cut back on their possessions. Kids don’t need as much as they think they do. If they want more, tell them to get jobs like productive adults (if they’re old enough). It could be good for them too.
In moments like this, where nothing seemed good, instead of wallowing in this misery, I went out and changed everything that I hated. I changed my job (however I’m lucky that I’m young enough to do it without much repercussions). I went through my clutter that had accumulated over time and threw it all out. I gave away all my old clothes and once I had more money, bought brand new ones. I even moved furniture around. Basically, I started over again. And if I had any money, I would probably do a move out of the area.. into a different city or maybe even different country. It was refreshing, and the world looked brighter and cleaner. I saw new faces, experienced new environments, new dynamics. I learned new things. So eventually I learned that static, or sitting around doing the same thing for a long time was causing these feelings of stagnation and misery.
So basically, break out of that routine. Go learn something new. Go make new friends by joining community groups. Go see new places. Go reinvigorate your thirst for life again. Change is the only way to make that real change. Ask yourself: What do I want from life and why do I deserve it. You get only one life and you get many chances to decide how to spend it. If you choose to have a safe life where you have the same job for the rest of your days, and you’re satisfied with that, then you must accept static, because you’re that type of person. If this lifestyle is giving you these problems, then obviously it’s not for you. Change it while you can… No matter how old you are, better now that later. Do it NOW. And if you think that this may be selfish… well you deserve it because if you don’t do anything you will die inside. This doesn’t only affect you, it affects everyone around you, making them worse off, too.
Sep 25 at 15:27
This is simply one of the best things I have ever read.
You are amazing.
Sep 25 at 16:53
life goes. sometimes the ol machinery has a tough time followin
Sep 25 at 19:10
This is an incredible amount of bulls****. I’ve suffered from clinical depresion and live in the third world and I would have to totally agree with Biff.
Come on, if you all like Romanticism go listen to Beethoven.
Nicole: “Being enough”!? “Being enough”?! What the heck is that supposed to mean? People in the third world are constantly trying to get to the first world! Either individually (migration) or as a society (development efforts), so we must be screwed. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, good (or “romantic”) about poverty and all it entails.
mother of sufferer: funniest comment, by far.
biff: you’re the man.
Remmember sadness is only beautiful when it’s not corny (particularly played by Serkin).
Sep 25 at 20:31
Trying to describe despression to people who have not really been depressed is like trying to describe what divorce is to a first time happily married couple… they could never understand the pain of it if they have never been through it.
But then again maybe that example is to easy… how bout describing to a sighted person what it is like to be blind from birth and how to live in a world where life is so dependent on your sense of sight, and yet having to live without it. Could a sighted person ever understand what it is like to be blind… even if they walked around with a blindfold on, their brain would know that it is not permanent.
You try telling a blind person they should never be depressed… but think about this, they will never know what colour looks like, what makes a sunrise or sunset so beautiful or even be able to see the most simplest of things which sighted people take for granted like a beautiful rose, an adorable kitten at play or a ladybug on a flower. They can’t think back over their lives and remember images from the past, even the simplest of tasks to them requires dependence on someone else… and they’ll never be able to drive themselves anyway, even with a white cane or a guide dog, their lives are still limited to what they can really experience and so for them, they’ll never know true independence.
I believe depression is much the same as this whole blind / sighted thing… from the comments on this post you’ll know who has really known depression and those who haven’t, they’ll either understand the context of the original article or for those who haven’t they will be enraged and show no sympathy or compassion towards those people who have been afflicted because they lack true understanding and think everything can be solved with a strong will, a stiff upper lip and instant decision that you won’t let depression affect you anymore.
Every person in this world is different, some people will experience depression and some won’t. I believe Society as a whole has become closer because of the internet and yet there is more distance between people now then ever before. The lack of personal contact with other human beings only leads to loneliness and depression and you may say that these people who are depressed need to get off their butt and go and get some help, maybe they do, maybe they don’t. Maybe they need people like you to stop throwing mud at them and stomping on their feelings, and for you to try and open your mind up a little show some empathy and put yourself in their shoes instead of caring only about your own welfare.
Everyone has a story and you don’t know theirs, everyone has a different breaking point at which life becomes unbearable. The truth is that life isn’t good all the time and some people suffer more than others. If you people who like to crucify others would spend as much time building others up as you do tearing them down then maybe depression wouldn’t be as much as a problem that it is… it’s time for you to choose… either sit down and stop being part of the problem or get in their and help and start being part of the solution.
Sep 25 at 23:29
I suffer from depressions on a regular basis with some years between each down turn. I also find it hard to explain to others how it feels but I usually try like this:
Life has ups and downs. It’s like you riding in a Car going up and down a hill filled landscape. This is how everybody has it. But sometimes my car gets stuck at the bottom. Like getting stuck in the mud. I just sit there… the bad things that caused the downhill trip has gone away, but my car just remains at the bottom.
Several people in my family suffer from the same condition, so it’s surely chemical. Once I tried some medical treatment and it did help. It has something to do with the receptors in the brain. But the medication also removed my happiness. I didn’t fell sad, but couldn’t become really happy either.
Today I have learned a few things that might help. One is to exercise the other is to “think happy thoughts” (oh that sounds corny). I also keep much focused on how I fell. When I’m down, I have to be sure whether there is a reason or if “my car got stuck”. Sure there are normal downtimes, but I have to look out for the non-ordinary sad moods.
Then I put on my walkman, with some happy music and either go for a ride on my bike or start vacuum cleaning the house. (The last has the benefit of happy music, exercise and on top of it you feel good as you get some work done
I have given myself 3 days to turn my mood, otherwise I’ll go back on medication until I get on moving… so far it haven’t been necessary.
One important note: Even if you feel like it… don’t resign and go to bed. It makes it worse. Do get regular sleep, but don’t hide away sleeping all day long. I know you really long to do just that.
Hope some of you can use my tips.
And do stop worrying about people like Biff. He is exactly the kind of person described who don’t really understand. Focus on making you friends and family understand. They are the ones who (hopefully) support you when you’re down.
Sep 26 at 01:18
The only thing I have ever replied on or posted a thread about was n funny video, but let me tell you there is nothing funny about being depressed thou I believe my depression is not at a serious point I know its there. I know the feeling of not feeling worthy I just asked myself last night what am I doing here what is my purpose. I think Phil hit the hammer on the nail with his description on how you can’t understand how it feels if you haven’t been there.
I believe depression is more complicated then most people can understand. Different circumstance effect different people, not everybody is depressed over the same reason. Some hate there jobs others are in a difficult relationship. I’m no doctor but believe that depression works on a snowball effect, unless something really bad happens to you you don’t get serious depression on day 1 it builds up in you growing stronger and stronger each day sucking the energy from your body and the will to go on with your day as like the author said as”normal”.I don’t believe in pharmaceutical drugs as in answer purely on the condition my mother is at in her live from having chosen this route. A few people have said that changing your life will help like getting another job and changes like that, but that is not always possible.
I don’t have the cure for depression but know that most of it must consist with our everyday lives. You get up go to work or take the kids to school come home late and tired and go to sleep. and a lot of people do this everyday of there lives. working and sleeping getting no joy out of life were living to pay the bills at the end of the month. I believe that changing your surroundings can help you motivate yourself and see the world in a different light. So make a decision to not follow your everyday life and see the world for what it is. Go to a lake or forest a mountain range or the coast if your close enough(i’m not)even if you work till saterday go on sunday’s but break your routine breath some fresh air and be amazed in the creation of earth itself and know that you were put on this earth meaning you must be important in some way.
Sep 26 at 07:54
Thank you so much for this.
Sep 26 at 12:17
I remember those days. The days of the cold light and the nothingness. When waking up each morning was like a thousand deaths, when there was a glass wall between me and the rest of the world, and I never really heard. Never really saw. Just existed, in the vain hope that one person would have the insight to reach out and say, “are you all right?” But of course that never happened. Of course I turned to pain, to death as my solution. And to psychologists, psychiatrists, and none of it helped. But it got better. It took years, but it got better. And now I’m a happier person than I was 10 years ago, Before. I agree when you say that it can’ be described to those who haven’t experienced it. No one else will “get” it, they’ll call you a hypochondriac or melodramatic or any of a million other derogatory terms that don’t help one bit. Thank you for your contribution to a world that can only be understood through the most horrifying of experiences.
Sep 26 at 13:59
For years and years I had maybe one good day every few months. Slowly, with lots of work and lots of different treatment, I started having more and more good days. I remember the day I realized I was having more good days than bad days and it encouraged me to go on. Now, I have the rare bad day in a world of good…as long as I stay with treatment. There is hope. Your blog gives a lot of understanding…a place where people can start. Good work.
Sep 26 at 14:56
I’ve spent night and day in this
isolation
Frightened, this is what its like to be nameless,
I’ve changed, this isn’t how i used to be
Losing sleep along with all of the much more useful things,
My beauty seems to have gone with my personality
my closest friends keep hoping that they can reverse this perverse reality
but I’m gone now, you think they’d understand
Sep 27 at 08:20
Very accurate and well written, thank you…
Sep 27 at 08:51
Amazing….i love it! U just can’t describe it to other people especially when they are like well i have to deal with this and i’m stressed about that….it’s hard for them to accept and understand that even if there is nothing going wrong with your life and there’s no reason you should be unhappy that u are extremely depressed for no reason whatsoever!
Sep 27 at 12:05
Very well said. I remember distinctly in 8th grade stopping what I was doing, being overwhelmed with an empty feeling. It was like I was a jar of peanut butter completely scraped out and used up on the inside, ok looking on the outside. Suicidal thoughts would come at the drop of a hat and soon became an everyday occurrence. Now that I’m living on my own, even though I have money issues, I can honestly say that I’m no longer living with depression
Sep 27 at 13:16
I love this so much. It really says what i haven’t been able to for as long as I can remember. It’s so hard to describe or explain how I feel on a daily basis and this really helped me see a way I can explain it to myself, which is the hardest part. It truely brought me to tears because it’s like it’s written about me and my life. I’ve been in denial for so long and seeing this has really made me come to terms with it and realize that i’m not a freak or crazy but i do have some serious issues i have to work out. Reading this gives me alot of hope that whoa alot of other people are dealing with this and i can get through it.
Sep 27 at 14:18
Thank you for sharing. This was beautifully written.
Sep 27 at 14:44
It helps ease my loneliness and fear to know that others understand the life I’ve been living. Though for me it’s more a shadow of existence.
Sep 27 at 23:28
Dearest Depression,
Thank you for sharing, it helps people like me, who also suffers from chronical depression. Not only do I relate to everything you said but I also understand word for word the depth of the madness you experience daily as well. Depression runs on both sides of my family, so i was doomed no matter what. I knew at a young age something was different, I would at times isolate from other kids, and write songs expressing my pain, but always ending with a message of hope. At the age of eight, had to be hospitalized because I awoke to being paralyzed from the waist down, had no feelings in my legs what so ever. Two specialist told me I would never walk again and a third Docter diagnosed me as having a disease called psuenlienhendric sydrome and said 3% male boys rare disease that usually went away as it was outgrown. Thank God I eventually out grew it. I went from a ballerina, gymnist, tap dancer, to a frail, waif. Needless to say I have not really been the same anymore. It seemed from kindergarden on up I was always in trouble like having to write 1000 times I will not talk during the classroom. I either over excelled in subjects I loved, or under achieved in things that didnt interest me. Back then, nobody, not even teachers would listen to a child. I was labeled the bad seed, and no one would let me explain how I felt. I wasn’t really a destructive child, but was labled that too because I liked to take things apart and put them back together, I loved the challenge and craved knowledge. I could never keep my opinions to myself and felt that I needed to express them always, I have always fought for truth and fairness, and again was labled lucy from charlie brown. Also at the age eight-nine years old, our family often went camping to lake hughes to wear the park attendant who everyone trusted would have me in his aluminum trailer with no pants on sitting in his lap fondleing me and making me do things i didnt understand paraylzing me until you could hear my family looking and yelling for me and when he would let me go i would run so fast and become so happy to see my family again, subconciously i think i knew how lucky i was to be alive, the camping thing went on for years until the park attendant died. Then starting my teen years a wonderful step dad since the age seven turned on us like a ravid dog with rabies. The abuse with beatings from tree branches, iron skillets, belt, hands it didn’t matter, he took his anger and misery out on my brother and me. He started going out to the bars and drinking every night coming home drunk, coming into my room and would either cry about how sorry he was for the beating the shit out of me or i would wake up to him touching me and him telling me how much he loved me and had abnormal feelings for me, if i screamed he would cover my mouth and threatened if i told anyone he would kill me and i believed him. During high school I was on the gymnastics team, track team and also a cheerleader, daily he would tell me i was no good, a fat pig, etc, etc. Finally at the age of 16, he had an affair with the barmaid at the bar he went to nightly. That was god doing for us. Sad to say he inheirted alot of money, blew most of it on cocaine, went to have surgeory after being off a year from work injury related, he forgot to mention to the Doctors his little cocaine habit and had been up for several days, they put him under and after his surgeory he awoke to being a vegtable and his new wife pulled the plug on him instantly. Later that year was admitted to cottage hospital for an eating disorder, I was 5′7 and weighed 88 pounds. The reason why i am writing all this is…..well i am not exactly sure, but what i have shared is just the top of the iceburg. You see with many years of counseling, and some anti depression meds, like welbriuton, 2 recovery homes later, losing everything a few times, living homeless on the beach or in a storage shed, having a miscarriage 5 months pregnant with twins 2 times 2 years apart from each other, days of not wanting to live, bed ridden at times of up to 3 months, I never gave up that little bit of hope somehow somewhere that i carried with me as if it lived in my front pocket. I am 43 now, i belong to a support group that i love and trust, I pray and meditate daily, if i become overwhelmed or full of fear or just have a life obstacle, i reach out, i pick up that 1000 pound phone and 9 times out of ten i hear a solution and sometimes even feel better, im not perfect and there are times that i dont reach out, and its a learning experience, but at least i am aware and i do have choices and i choose to keep learning and educate myself on this disease i have, and lots of positive affirmations. Not all my days are good, but i can honestly say i do have alot more good than bad, and its okay to have down days thats life, life happens and its in session, and now when i see a grateful homeless person or a young kid with no arms or legs or just all the people that die daily, i ask myself what do i really have to be depressed about? Really…nothing absoultly nothing. I will pray for you my friend daily, just be easy and kind to yourself with lots of self-love. It is a daily effort and it sounds like your in the right direction, that took alot of courage for you to open up and share your story with us, when you talk about whats going on with you to another the power of it seems to lift away, we are only as sick as our secrets and today i choose to have no secrets. Is hope a drug we need to get off of? I think not. Never give up or lose hope.
Sep 28 at 13:34
Wow. That is so beautiful, and accurate. My husband and I both suffer from bipolar disorder, and I spent my childhood being told not to be “so sensitive” and to “get over it”. My teens were spent on medication, and now I live my life wading through it one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time. Thank you so much for letting me know that there are other people just like us.
Sep 28 at 20:28
I Lost all. My wife, my little girl, my business, and my trust. Day’s are dark at times, nights are evil as the ex, and yet I have a girlfriend, who has been the saving light for six years.
The illness has went into hiding… But I know it still wants to win.
Time….. one breath more maybe.
Sep 29 at 00:46
This is beautiful, yet scary, it’s hard, even harder i suppose getting depression at 15, having people older than me stuffin pills down my neck, tellin’ me it’ll be okay, and knowing full well it’s not. Stay strong
Sep 29 at 02:32
About a month ago, I was diagnosed with depression, general anxiety and complex post traumatic stress disorder. The last one I can’t be surprised at. The second one I spent three years trying to convince friends, family, teachers, social workers and psychologists was NOT an attitude problem. As for the first… I didn’t believe it was possible that I had it until I read this post and these responses.
You all understand so much and I’ve never known any of you. I’ve lost so many friends close to me, my education career is in a stand-still, I lost my part time job and I lost what it is to feel like to be me. And recently my most precious friend in the world told me “you’ve changed too much” and showed her dismay that I’m whining all the time, and it takes effort to talk to her. If I’m not a positive thing in her life by next year, I’ll lose her completely.
Please forgive the sob story, but what I mean to say is that after all this, I have an annoying mother who is looking out for me, a dedicated best friend who loves me and an organisation who is helping me get my high school career back on track. There will always be those kind souls out there who simply will not understand, but will do all they can to keep you afloat.
All we need is the hope, and the courage to find these people and keep them close to us. It wasn’t always like this even though it may feel like it, and there is NOTHING stopping this debilitating disease from leaving us all alone for good.
Each and every one of you reading this has the power to turn their lives around and build anew. Every person, no matter who they are, what they are, or what they’ve done and especially if you’re doubting what I’m saying right now, I mean you… You deserve a better life.
Keep the hope so deep in your heart that this black dog will never find it.
Thankyou all.
Sep 29 at 07:12
This is a great page…I think we all suffer from some level of depression at some point in our lives and pages like this where people can share their experiences w/struggling others are invaluable.
Like many, I have self-medicated for years-depression and anxiety, unfortuneately I have found that drinking or doing drugs is no fix at all only a broken crutch. So, what works?
For me hard work and long hours….no time to think about being depressed. I guess I’d rather choose being a workaholic over an alcoholic or drug addict. This tends to work for me though because I have no family so I’m not guilty of neglecting anybody really.
At any rate, this page is really a good idea, just wanted to post a quick comment!
God bless you all.
Sep 29 at 12:06
You’ve been inside my head, haven’t you? What a beautifully described, beautifully written post of something that so many of us know and live and struggle with, but aren’t all as eloquent to express it. Thank you for putting it into words for all of us fellow sufferers.
Sep 30 at 18:49
Well done, Wazza.
Rightly deserved praise…
Just one point that may already have been made.
There is the clinical, neuralogical-kind of depression (unipolar or “major”), and there is dysthemia — the permanent dark mood kind.
I suppose there is also depression as part of bi-polar if you want to tease it out more.
My point is just to say that when telling people how they should react, behave or manage themselves, it’s worth considering what kind of depression we’re talking about.
I at least want to point out that a lot of people are not about to kill themselves, but they’re dythemic — permanently down — and they too need help and need to be taken seriously. They are often the ones most open to feeling guil