This Day of Rest

Tomorrow I return to work. This holiday doesn’t feel like it was long enough; these days they never do.

It’s not like summer holidays when I was a kid. My strongest memories of summer holidays are of lying on our old lounge, in a lounge room tinged green from the sun reflecting on the underside of the pull-down canvas blinds. The TV is on in the background with never-ending cricket matches (which I hated) competing with the rumble from the wall-mounted air conditioner vainly struggling to bring the fibro-clad tin-roofed house to a reasonable temperature. The cicadas are the endless background barely audible above the TV & aircon.

I was bored out of my skull in this little country town; too much of a goody-two-shoes to go and make mischief, too nerdy and uncoordinated to go and play with the other kids.

It seemed like those summers, like my boredom, would never end.

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Random Thoughts

Sitting out on the patio in the gathering dusk. My mug of chai is empty, and the only illumination now is the screen, and the sandalwood mosquito sticks I’m burning in a possibly-vain attempt to keep the little blood-suckers at bay. It seems they find me tasty.

One of the steps I’ve taken towards my goals this year is to track them using a piece of software on my phone called The Habit Factor. The theory is that one of the elements that makes up achieving a goal is that small habits over time add up to big results, but if you don’t track the small habits, they’ll get away from you. I review the list of habits I’ve set a couple of times a day, and I’ve been doing this for a week. So far, it seems to be working.

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52 Books: #1 – A Million Miles in a Thousand Years – Don Miller

The first Don Miller book I read was Blue Like Jazz. It was recommended to me at a time I was questioning my faith, and I’ll be eternally grateful to the person who recommended it to me. It’s on my list to re-read this year.

I was given A Million Miles in a Thousand Years for Christmas, not really knowing what it was about. I started reading it yesterday, and finished it today. I could barely put it down.

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Random thoughts: T minus 4 days

At this point, having not yet started this process for 52 & 12, I’m already encountering some challenges. Like my energy levels.

I currently have my brother staying with me, which is great. I’m really enjoying that. However, it does mean that I’m talking a lot more than normal.

In addition, I went to church today, and made a conscious decision to actually interact with others, and not just keep my head down or make a run for the door after the service ended.

Then we went to the local shopping mall so he could find some post-Christmas bargains and our boys could spend their Christmas money.

None of these things are particularly taxing, but it seems that the combination of all of the above has left me worn out, and somewhat melancholy.

And really desperate to withdraw. this worries me, because achieving my list of goals requires small daily changes, consistently. When I’m in a mood like this, my tendency is to just skip the little things that day; sometimes that becomes a week, then suddenly two or three months have passed.

In spite of my enthusiasm to change my life over the next year, I fear the biggest obstacle may be … me.

Fifty-two and Twelve.

For reasons that are somewhat unclear to me, I find setting goals to be something akin to solving a Rubik’s cube. I know it’s possible, and other people can do it incredibly well, but even with a book giving me step-by-step instructions, I find it nearly impossible.

This year I plan to do the unthinkable, and set a list of goals for myself.

I plan to do a series of things each week, and each month, and next year.

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Mandatory internet filtering. It’s not a debate.

I assume virtually everyone in the Australian IT industry has found themselves in some kind of discussion about the Australian government’s proposed mandatory internet filter. And most of us are opposed to it. But we have a little problem…

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Don’t steal my stuff.

No seriously.

I was fooling around with a “copyright” search engine today.

Punched in my URL, and up popped several websites which copied the entire content of my depression post – and linked back to me. I’m totally cool with that – in fact, I’m absolutely stoked that something I wrote would touch you that much that you want to copy it and link it. I really appreciate that. And to you, the only thing I have to say is “thank you”.

This blog post is NOT addressed to you.

Then there were the two sites who grabbed the post, and quoted it in full, without attribution. That’s just rude, guys. I’ve emailed one, and considering my options on the other.

This blog post is addressed to you.

Then there’s the people who have taken the post and reposted it as their own work.

I don’t write here as much as I’d like to. Partially for the reasons mentioned in previous posts, and partly because I’m not disciplined enough.

So when I do post something, I normally put a lot of work into it.

Please don’t take my writing, change a few words, and then post it as your own work.

That’s just low.

Emerging in the Suburbs

I’ve been doing a lot of reading recently. I’ve got two books on the go (The Reason for God and 11), and I’ve subscribed to a few different blogs.

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Blue Day 2008

I was going to write another post about depression for Blue Day, but in the end I seemed to be rehashing my post from last month, and I have no intention of turning this into a “depression” blog.

However, October is Anxiety and Depression Awareness Month, and today, October 10th is World Mental Health Day.

Blue Day 2008 is a site put together by a number of people in the Australian social media and tech communities in support of World Mental Health day. Some of us have experienced it, and most have known someone who has. According to Beyond Blue, one in five people will experience depression at some stage of their lives.

A group of Twitterers (including myself) have turned our twitter icons blue in support, and have tagged our related posts with #blueday2008.

The reality is depression will touch you or someone in your life. Most of us who experience it don’t want to stay there, living in it – no matter how it seems from the outside.

Sometimes we just need someone to listen and point us in the right direction, sometimes we need more help. Like any other illness, healing takes time, and some of us will never be “100%”. Some will require medication permanently, just like a diabetic. For others, it will be like a broken leg, and the medication and counselling are the cast and crutch to get back on our feet.

There is still a stigma around mental illness, but with knowledge and understanding, together we can make that a thing of the past.

If you want to get involved in Blue Day 2008, I suggest the following:

  • If you don’t have a blog or a podcast, register on this site and submit a post that will appear on the Submitted Posts page.
  • Change your avatars on your favourite social networking site Twitter/Facebook/FriendFeed/etc to something blue, download one of our pre-built ones
  • Follow us on Twitter
  • Modify your blog theme to be mainly blue
  • Run a Second Life event, or attend the jokaydia event
  • Wear blue for the day
  • Organising a meet ups on the day, currently organised:
  • Tag your photos/posts/tweets with BlueDay2008
  • Become a fan on FaceBook

Depression; a postscript

Wow. I didn’t expect anything like the responses I had to my last post. I want to explain some things.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in late 2000-early 2001. I didn’t go to the doctor looking for a diagnosis, the doctor just started asking questions. I’d had a breakdown a couple of years earlier, and never “dealt” with it. I was put on anti-depressants, and went off them six months later, against doctor’s orders.

I had another breakdown in the middle of 2006. I was in a high-stress job, and eventually came apart at the seams. I was put on anti-depressants again, which I ceased taking on Good Friday this year. While they helped me get sorted out again, for me the side effects were ultimately worse than the cure.

One of the comments claimed that depression is a ‘modern invention’. There’s an element of truth to what he’s saying, but it’s wrapped in a attitude that’s the kind of response (in my experience) that causes many mentally ill people keep their mouths shut and “deal with it” in silence. 

I don’t shirk my responsibilities. I’ve been employed since I left high school. I’m raising a family, mindful that my attitudes and response to this illness have had an effect, and will have an effect on my children. Mindful of a family history of depression.

My grandfather drank himself to death. My grandmother was on lithium for part of her life. My cousin blew his brains out. My paternal grandfather was an alcoholic who dried out in his seventies. I had a shrink once describe it to me as “you lost the genetic lotto”.

Please understand why I wrote that post. I’m don’t want your pity, and I’m not a hero. I’m just a guy, trying to live my life and raise my family. My younger brother is extremely visually impaired; to me he’s a hero for just living through what he’s had to live through, and still keeping a cheesy grin on his face.

I wrote that post because I was finally able to put into words what has been rolling around inside my head for ages, trying to come out. I wanted something to be able to point people to if they ask what it’s like to live with depression, to explain what it’s like from the inside.

I’m not sitting on my couch waiting to die, crying into my cornflakes “woe is me”. I’m trying to live. To appreciate my life, and the blessings I have. I have an illness that won’t go away through wishful thinking, or just “deciding to stop”. However, there are things I can do to deal with the blackest days and that is what I choose to do. Some days I succeed, some days I fail.

But please, please, PLEASE – don’t use my post as an excuse to sit on your couch, crying into YOUR cornflakes. If you’re in a situation to read these posts, you’re likely to be financially in the top 20% of the world population. You ARE blessed. Live life. Don’t let it just wash over you.

It’s hard; I understand just how hard it can be. Maybe you’re like me and “lost the genetic lotto”. Maybe you suffered through experiences that have caused your brain to break. Maybe you’ve been pushed (or pushed yourself) to the edge, and then went over.

In 2008, you don’t have an excuse to suffer in silence, or feel sorry for yourself over your illness. Get help. Talk to people. Look after yourself, and take responsibility for dealing with your illness. In my experience, people are a lot more likely to be willing to look out for you if you’re being proactive about dealing with it.

Be gentle with yourself, allow for the fact that you’ll have black days. But remember, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and however briefly you pass into that light, and you may enter a tunnel again, that light is unlikely to be an oncoming train.

pps. 23rd Sept.

One more thing. Get out there and start creating. Write, paint, sing, just start something. I can only speak from my experience, but of the people I’ve met who suffer depression, there seems to be a much higher percentage of them that have incredible creative talents. Almost like the other side of the coin. I don’t know, I only have circumstantial evidence, and it might even warrant another post.

It seems to me that creating stuff (particularly stuff that’s not focussed on depression) seems to provide an outlet for something buried inside. Maybe I do need to write another post :)